Fingers of an 80 year-old woman

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I had to give my fingerprints today. I warned the security office that I have been dubbed “the girl with fingers of an 80 year-old woman”. Indeed, it seems that my fingertips do not have the usual deep grooves and ridges fingers usually have. The security person taking care of my file laughed and told me the office had a new “water-based” machine that could lift the print of off anyone.

I placed my finger on the monitor and rotated from one side to the next. The computer showed that there was only a 73% match, but 75% was a passing grade. The picture of my fingerprint on the screen looked minutely grooved and general smooth.

Miffed, we tried it again. Three times. With water droplets rubbed into the tip of my finger, then heavy Vaseline cream. I tried pushing hard, pushing lightly, and pushing my finger with my other index to help it along. Finally we get an acceptable print. After undergoing the same process for each finger (imagine 5 times x 10 fingers), we finally decided to leave well enough alone and kept the best prints.

I must have looked worried, because the man walking past me said “I really don’t think that you have the profile of a criminal so don’t worry about it”. But then I (jokingly) answered “well you never know, the scariest things come in small packages”.

D’oh! I’m so retarded.